God's Providence is a Funny Thing

In real time, World Youth Day has been over for almost a week. In blog time, I haven't even gotten to it yet. I promise to return to tell you about all of Gods work in that week and about Fatima and all the graces of that segment of the journey, but now I need to update you all on my present day status. God's providence is the entire reason for going on this trip. When I was first praying about it that was my entire goal and nothing else: to have no plan so that God could work his own designs. Well those designs have turned out to be more unexpected than I had originally planned.

The prior general of the Community of St John, Father Thomas, was telling a group of us that we make a decision to follow the Lamb, to follow Christ, but that sheep don't walk in a straight path. At times you can't see the path, other times you seem to be going in the wrong direction, but always just keep following the Lamb. It is hard to understand the meandering road. Well my road has actually taken me back to the States, surprise (its a surprise for me too, hahaha). Right now I am actually in Sycamore, IL, still following the Lamb, still on my pilgrimage, still not seeing what the path is ahead of me but Christ is always constant.

When I set out on a journey to follow God's providence, I can't say no when Providence leads me back.

I know that God was calling me to go to WYD, there are too many things over the last six months that has lead me to that, and only to that. But the Why? That I do not know, perhaps its not for me to know. Perhaps it is enough to give up my plans, give up my pride, give up everything (and a pretty penny for the plane too) for Jesus. Especially in the psalms we see that God wants a ready heart. Period. I want to ask "what for", make me ready for what Lord? Just a ready and willing heart. So there's that.

So I just wanted you all to know that my pilgrimage continues this side of eternity (and this side of the Atlantic) so all those prayers you promised are still in demand, and all the prayers that I promised are still being prayed. Oremus pro invicem

Some Highlights of Asturias

So you apparently have to pour the cider from as high as you can....spilling a lot in the process. And you have to drink it all at once. And you have to drink out of the same glasses. And you have to have so much fun with the parishioners while listening to the bagpipes play (yeah that's right, northern Spain is really Celtic.

Just a day at the beach...

And hikes through God's wonders...

(part of) the group...bunch of Americans and Brits.

At the brother's monastery: a unique blend of early Cictercian simplicity with the addition of typical Spanish Baroque altar. Oh yeah, and like more than a thousand youth from seriously everywhere packed in there too. (about 3 thousand total from the Community of St John, this is only half of us)

Finally Someone I Know

Five different buses later I met up with the Community of St John in the beautiful basilica of Covadonga. Here I met people from all over the world (lots from France) and saw Providence at work once again. But that night after another three buses (did I mention all the buses?) finally met up with my group and finally saw Father Nathan and Father Thomas. Thank God. I was a surprise for them too, they weren't expecting me until the next day. It was so wonderful to see familiar faces after so long of not knowing anyone or being able to communicate with anyone. And I met up with the Americans that would be with me the rest of the way through Fatima. Here again God was working through family that was being shaped and formed through the love that we all shared for Christ. Finally we arrived in Oviedo, Spain where we met our host families.
 Usually if  I want to invite friends over and I want to do something hospitable for them I make sure there are snacks in the house or something and that it's not a complete disaster. Here we were treated like royalty. They were so excited to meet us and to serve us (to feed us!) and to make sure we had everything we needed (including washing our clothes, ridiculous!) But it was not just what was done but how it was done. It wasn't just food on a table, but a table cloth and places set for us and a little votive candle. We were honored guests. So much for potato chips in a bag. It really made me realize how important all of these things are. When my friends come, I want them to feel as honored as I felt in this home. Hospitality, generosity, welcome...all without much verbal communication (and by not much I mean almost none).

The Generosity of Family I've Never Met

After  a couple of flights and more than a couple of bus rides I find myself in Santander, Spain. Now what? There isn't another bus out of town, there's no where to go, oh yeah, and I don't speak Spanish. So what do I do? Head to the Cathedral of course; if I'm going to be anywhere its going to be near Jesus. So I found the Cathedral and go to Mass, then I stay for several hours, waiting for the next step to be made apparent. Come on Providence.... When the church closed and the motioned for me to get out, the next step was clear: get out. Now where to go? Where to stay the night? I started wandering around and found that this city is on the Camino de Santiago, the markers were a familiar comfort. So I began following the route hoping for an alberge to spend the night. As it turns out there was nothing. It was very strange but as I kept walking there was nothing (by this time it is already 10pm, but that's not that big of a deal because it's Spain, so there are still kids playing and families going on walks) But I turn around to head back to the center of town.

As I am walking (I must have looked lost, maybe because I was) a couple and their one year old son approached me. They asked what I was doing where I was going: "Are you a pilgrim?" Yes, I am certainly a pilgrim and a pilgrim in need as well. They invited me to come and stay the night with them. Their generosity was incredible, a delicious meal, a warm bed. "We are Catholic too" they said. It was their desire to make their home my own home, not just a physical place to sleep but a place of love and peace. I will never forget their love that they showed me or the tender way in which they invited a stranger to be part of their family. I could easily see their great happiness that came from their faith and love for Jesus. And Edwardo, their son, was probably one the sweetest babies I have ever seen...non stop smiles, even at one in the morning. God's providence; the providence of a family.

Totally Gunna Be Crushed

Do not hide your face from me; in you I put me trust

Why does God sometimes hide his face? Why is it so hard to know who God is when at other times we seem to know him so clearly? Perhaps it is to deepen our faith, to have uncertainty, but to be certain. To be in darkness, but live in Light. To place our complete and utter trust in one who is trustworthy. I'm sure the saints know, and have said it better.

Lord, listen to my prayer:

turn your ear to my appeal.

You are faithful, you are just; give answer,

Do not call your servant to judgment

for no one is just in your sight.

I call on God's Mercy, for this little daughter of his....for my sins this is not what I deserve, but what God wants to give. And he is very generous. But still, even the best gifts are for us to be come holy, and the best ones are a purification. So I call out to Him for help so that I may live this cross well.

The enemy pursues my soul;

he has crushed my life to the ground;

he has made me dwell in darkness

like the dead, long forgotten.

Therefore me spirit fails;

my heart is numb within me.

I am crushed by many things, by darkness, does God hear? My heart is numb, i feel nothing of his presence. everything is dark, yet i seek him especially in that darkness. I become blind so that I may see with the eyes of faith. That first promise that I made to Him: to follow wherever He goes even if I feel nothing good for the rest of my life, because HE IS GOODNESS, and there is nothing else.

I remember the days that are past:

I ponder all your works.

I muse on what your hand has wrought

and to you I stretch out my hands.

Like a parched land my soul thirsts for you

With what God has done in my life, how can I even think he will not do everything for me now. Remember that first promise. That freedom I have in that. I thirst for him and him alone, nothing else. Nada, Nada, Nada.

Lord, make haste and answer;

for my spirit fails within me.

Do not hide your face

lest I become like those in the grave.

Do not hide your face, I will become lost, nothing seems to exist if I cant see you. I fail without you, don't abandon me even when i abandon you.

In the morning let me know your love

for I put my trust in you.

Make me know the way I should walk:

to you I lift up my soul.

The way I must walk is the way of the cross. Yes, suffering, and yes offering that up. Again, complete reliance on God....the way I should walk is the way of the cross, the way of love. I lift up my soul to Jesus who draws all men to himself.

Rescue me, Lord, from my enemies;

I have fled to you for refuge.

Teach me to do your will

for you, O Lord, are my God.

Let your good spirit guide me

in ways that are level and smooth.

Give me whatever you want lord, don't let me offend you. I fear, but I fear nothing for you are my God, my refuge that is there even if i cannot feel your presence. Protect me from my enemies, especially myself.

For your name sake, Lord, save my life;

in your justice save my soul from distress.

Fear. Looking past that, distress all gone, looking and searching only for God. Totally looking forward to God totally annihilating me. I want to be purified. Glory to God in everything. He must increase and I must decrease.

Glory to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning is now and will be forever.

Amen

Do not hide your face from me; in you I put my trust.

Too Bad Russia, I Found Something Better....

Holy Land...Here I come....

Well, I have an official return date now, November 22, but for the three weeks before that I will be journeying in the same paths that Jesus and his disciples walked so many thousands of years ago. And right in time to prepare for Advent. (a preparation for a preparation?) I will begin on Mt Carmel and end in Bethlehem, going through Nazareth, the sea of Galilee, Jerusalem, and everything in-between. I can't really express how excited I am about this...so I won't really try....you can guess if you wish. I bring all of you with me.

How the Heck Do You Prepare?

Well, basically from the experience that I have I know one thing, you can't really prepare. Sure, I can bring a tent and a sleeping bag, strap on some shoes...But I know my feet won't be ready...blisters, we meet once again. I know also that I cannot know for sure what will come, emotionally, physically, spiritually, so how is one to prepare? That is the preparation of poverty. Knowing that you will be without, but knowing also that God will provide (and not just physically). My friend and I were talking about what the future holds; we both decided that we were worrying about our preparation and not trusting in God. We were afraid. What is this fear? No, we don't know what will come, and yes, it might be painful, but we know for sure that it will be great. Now I can't remember what exactly was said, but it sounded better than that, but you get the gist. So I mainly prepare with prayer, trying to live always in the present.  But what does it look like to walk for so long? I thought it might be fun to show you what I will be traveling with, a visual packing list, a visual preparation.

Here is pretty much what I will be using/carrying on my back for the next several months....I've got my 97 cent poncho and everything...ALL SET!

A very important part of my preparations has been to ask for prayer from others as well as asking for any intentions to bring with me. Please, if you have any intentions that you would like me to pray for on my pilgrimage, please write to me at tarynawatkins@gmail.com. There's going to be plenty of suffering (among other things) to offer up to God (being out of shape will really help with that one) ...We might as well pass around the wealth. Did I mention my feet are really not prepared...

Oremus Pro Invicem

The Long Path Before Me

Well, it seems like a long path, but what is a couple of months compared to eternity huh? Well these couple of months have me doing a couple of different things...First I will fly to London and see St. Thomas More, then to Spain where I will be at World Youth Day with the brothers of St John. While in Spain I of course will go and see my one and only St. John of the Cross (!!!!) and Teresa of Avila. We will end in thanksgiving to our Lady in Fatima. Really though I begin from this shrine of Mary because from there I will go to Paray le Monial where St Margret Mary and her spiritual director (and my confirmation saint) St Claude de le Colombiere and begin an 850 mile (1360 km) walking pilgrimage to Rome. Along the way is another all star line up of saints: St. John Vianny, St Frances de Sales, St. Augustin, St. Gemma Galgani, and the countless saints once I reach Rome. If I can get a visa in time, I might even go to Moscow to volunteer with the Missionaries of Charity there, but we shall see, Gods will in everything!


View Pilgrimage Route in a larger map

God's Providence Alone

My prayer for the last couple of months has consisted in trust. In remembering things that I of course know that I should do, but in fact...do not. I suppose that is the human condition, my great frustration. But there I am, trying to rely on my own strength and forgetting above all that God loves me and He loved me first...He loves me first. I want freedom. Freedom to trust Christ with everything, even if (lets face it, when) I don't follow his will. I want to trust myself to God, and I do. It will be a great blessing on this pilgrimage to rely more radically on God's providence alone. There is a great freedom in having nothing and seeking the Everything. I go realizing my own poverty, and not just simple physical poverty, but knowing how little I am and how much God gives everything to me for His glory. I don't have a very good fear sense, as many know, so I am not very worried, but I know that it will be extremely challenging. It is this challenge that I seek, this great opportunity to realize my own weaknesses and God's own strength. (His grace is enough right Paul?) I go with nothing, relying on Christ in the form of others charity, relying on him in the spiritual difficulties that are sure to arise, relying on him for my being, my breath, and my life. For Love. Certainly I am a poor beggar of Christ, and He is all I desire. I ask all the angels in heaven to guide me, protect me and show me God's own love. And my mother, who I place my whole self in her maternal care forever. May I learn from her where strength is.

Totus Tuus.

An Earthly Pilgrimage: An Eternal Reality

Like the deer that yearns
for running streams,
so my soul is yearning

 for you, my God.
My soul is thirsting for God,
the God of my life;
when can I enter and see
the face of God?
My tears have become my bread,
by night, by day,
as I hear it said all the day long:
"Where is your God"
These things I will remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I would lead the rejoicing crowd
into the house of God,
amid cries of gladness and thanksgiving,
the throng wild with joy.
Why are you cast down, my soul,
why groan within me?
Hope in God; I will praise him still,
my savior and my God.
My soul is cast down within me
as I think of you,
from the country of Jordan and Mount Hermon,
from the Hill of Mizar
Deep is calling on deep,
in the roar of waters;
your torrents and all your waves
swept over me.
By day the Lord will send
his loving kindness;
by night I will sing to him,
praise the God of my life.
I will say to God, my rock:
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning,
oppressed by the foe?"
With cries that pierce my to the heart,
my enemies revile me,

saying to me all the day long:

"Where is your God?"

Why are you cast down, my soul,

why groan within me?

Hope in God; I will praise him still,

my savior and my God.

When will I come the the end of my pilgrimage and see the face of God? Seeing the face of God, that is the end of a pilgrimage, but how are we to seek the face of God? Really in the everyday. I ask myself why sometimes, why do I need to go on a long pilgrimage like this? I have the tabernacle at "home", I have Jesus in the Eucharist, what else could I need? He is our nourishment for this earthly life, this earthly pilgrimage to the true homeland.

Regardless if I am in a foreign land or here at "home", I am still and always journeying to my true home. I am homesick no matter where I am. What else do I need? How will I seek God's face? For a little while I will be seeking God while in many countries, visiting my good friends, the saints, and relying on God's Providence in a more radical way so that I may see Him more clearly. Though this time, this walk, this journey may come to an end in October(ish), this walk is only a small part of the pilgrimage, and the pilgrimage only a short time on this side of eternity.

so i go